Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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