the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
