Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
