I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
