well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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