Where are you?
In a non slutty way
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
