It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
