So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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