I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
