I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize