It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
