I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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