I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
