Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
