And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
