wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
