I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
