Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
