lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize