new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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