somebody snuck up and got me drunk
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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