I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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