There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
