i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
