He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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