if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
