How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
