So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
