I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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