don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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