The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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