im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
