Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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