and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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