I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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