Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
