She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
