Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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