who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
As shirtless as possible
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
