i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
