I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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