Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm eating all of the evidence.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
