before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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