chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
