If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
