I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
