your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
