But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
