i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
