My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
