I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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