Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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