No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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