im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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