Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
