i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
