So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
