If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
