Who wears a wallet chain?!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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