I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
