I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
